The Way I See It # 295

Life at Resto is considerably hard to bear nowadays. While I fold the towels you scramble to buy at 20% off I'm thinking of how fast I could force myself to go down Vale road without getting caught or losing control. To see what my limits are in a car are unexpectedly on my mind all the time. This coming from the girl who got into that.... ahem.... car accident. My mind wonders to the Dupont Race Way where my dad learned to drive about a million years ago. Being knowledgeable behind the wheel is very appealing to me. Barreling around a curve at 98 MPH is also very appealing to me.

but I digress.... my mind has wondered off as it does when you ask me what ingredients are in our hand soap.

Meanwhile I'm shrugging my shoulders to the mellow music that has been demographically chosen to ease you into the spending mood. You have no control over your delight that our "White Fig" fragranced items are 50% off. Ask me about the natural origin of a white fig and I will punch you in eye.

Taking in the automatic ethnography that studying Anthropology has taught me to do, the typical shopper at Resto. is middle aged and somehow redecorating every room in the house. What color are your walls? Green? Did you know that green is a soothing color that injects your room with tranquility?
See Also: Silver Sage
See Also: Dark Sage
See Also: Sea Green
I hope you know that the kind of room you are decorating dictates the kind of draperies you'll want to buy. Decorating a bedroom? Don't buy the sheer silk panels unless you want some Peeping Tom (or the secretly lucky bystander) to look in as you and your husband, or lover, or teenage son/girlfriend, do the nasty with no covers thrown over the situation.

I've charted out some sort of Evolutionary grid, following the steps outlined in Archaeology 101. Collecting data, using it's Datum, finding the carbon date of each and every Starbucks coffee cup (my life as a....?) I find nestled in the beds and under the furniture. I'm creating a time line of man's evolution: our devolution, as the mall rat depicts. Not being able to find a suitable place to take care of her young, a novice mother changes a diaper on one of the beds. A young girl drops a Christmas tree ornament and begins to sob uncontrollably as I tell her it's okay, and I don't mention payment to her parents. The evolutionary chart turns to a kind of demographic that floods the store: those who spruce up the facilities.

Redoing the bathroom, you say? Why don't you buy into something that went out of style in the 18th century? We have the vintage faucets, styled old enough to make you feel as though your bathroom will amount to something that you yourself couldn't be: special. Analyze the differences between the framed and frameless mirrors, and take a special minute to think about what finish you want everything in. Pick the right one and you won't have shipping costs. Oil Rubbed Bronze? Sorry Charlie, no go.
See Also: Polished Chrome
See Also: Satin Nickle

Can't tell the finishes apart? need help recognizing Polished Nickle from Polished Chrome? The crucial choice between which silvery finish you want is the most important thing in my life at the moment. As a sales associate I am only concerned with helping you dicipher the different finishes and textures that will help make your bathroom your most admired room. You know... the room you shit in? The room you throw up in after getting wasted at garden parties and poker nights with the neighborhood ladies?

And feel free to make me feel as inadequate as possible! Be my guest to throw things around that I arrange so perfectly. Don't you realize that I am creating the image you desperately want in your own home? You don't buy the mounds of towels because you need them, you buy them because somehow you're certain that by having them your life will be as neat and straight as the store you bought them from. This is the point of merchandising. This is why VCU students in the Mass Comm. major are going to make millions.

Rip the walls down, ruin what I put up every night, be as callous as possible when I tell you that we actually don't carry out furniture in stock.

I won't mind. I will occupy my time after closing, bitching about the way you treated me, and conversing with my coworkers about things that shouldn't be talked about at work.
See Also: Getting wasted
See Also: Ecstasy, Acid, and shrooms
See Also: people having sex on the show floor beds

Don't worry, not that you will.
I'll drive home that night, speeding cautiously to Gwen Stefani and smelling the White Fig lotion I put on my hands before clocking out.